i feel like i didn't express myself properly in my last entry.

i feel like i am underwater again. i feel like i'm more deaf and everything is just blur.

people are just drifting farther and farther into their own destinations. and i am here typing away as i watch them be something. i envy you.

it seems that the things i regarded important never really were. like the smoke on your cigarette, it escaped the inhale to your lungs. it never got to experience what it was really supposed to be. it was given life but then it was never really me that was needed. i was just that smoke you watch dance to the sky. i was never meant to dance.

as i begin to change the things that i value, i can't fathom what the fuck could there be? what?

i have to say that i've never really known what i want. maybe that's why i always give myself goals. maybe also that's why i've never made any of those goals.

i actually started running so at least i can prove to myself that i could be worth something after all. how useless and pathetic was that? i lost 40 pounds since march. now what? cut of an arm to lose a few more? idiot.

i envy you.

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there is distance again from me and the world. i can feel it with every movement i t make. i am drifting farther and farther into a corner. alone.

i wish. i wish i can write like you. be a poet. sing of the time and write about the pauses angels make when your lover passes by. when he kisses you. when he touches you. i wish i had your gift. to actually feel something. i've been sick and tired of being underwater too long.

but alas it have always been my own body that has weighed me down. no one elses fault. isn't it? it just me all along.